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At any given time there are a million little thoughts going through my head. Complex to process it is not always possible. Sometimes I don’t even try.

I never experience a lull like others do. Those moments of relative quiet where everything can be gathered together.

Peace brings anxiety, a need to fill silences, something to worry about. Other things to add to the mix. Quiet reflection is a fanciful notion clearly meant for others.

I’m trying to learn to rewire my brain. It is going to take time and I need to remember I am a work in progress.

Note to self regarding anxiety: Just because I think it doesn’t make it true!



7 thoughts on “Thoughts

  1. You will be deathly afraid of the silences …. you will run screaming into the night and your head to completely fill the “void” …. the more strength you feel when you’re at peace …. the louder the crazy will come knocking on your door …..

    YUP – and it TOTALLY sucks. The thing you hate, resent or despise the most is also the the thing you are most familiar with, and the more you manage to find little slivers of “peace and good” …. especially when they fall into a larger chunk of time, then well, won’t the little “fill the silence” bastards run nuts ….

    It’s a weird process ….. but the more you start and keep at it …. the more you start allowing yourself to really feel and see you and “your stuff” with a clearer head – the easier it will become to become at the very least “okay” with silence.

    Fear is a huge crippling deal – and pain – and here’s the really nuts thing, you will get to a point when you understand and know that some of what’s at you core, what hurts or scares you the most, or has freaked you out or traumatized you hardest? You’ll be able to look at it squarely in the face and not feel threatened or like you’ll completely fall apart and break into a million pieces …. really. I swear.

    If there is some form of “Quiet” – like instrumental music (that isn’t a downer and isn’t all syntho poppy – or guided meditation (even if you can’t sit still enough in your mind much less meditate – I have a really tough time with this myself) – but something that just is comforting in a quiet way – if you can take time to stop and listen – and then just let your mind do whatever – but keep one ear open to the music – you might slowly, become more aware of your body – your breath, your heart beat – and it may help you slip into a slower beat ….. eventually, your brain will give up trying to drive you mad and keep you engaged.

    Hope you feel a bit better soon. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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