When words won’t come

Why do I find it so hard to write. It’s not like I have nothing to say, my mind is a constant mix of possibilities vying for attention, they just never seem to make it from mind to where it matters.

I felt restricted on my other blog, not by anyone in the WordPress community, but by my family and friends, the people who know me in real life. It’s hard to lay yourself bare to people who interact with you on a daily basis. Most people who write would understand the need to and how healing it can be. We don’t mean everything we write, sometimes it’s just a way of making sense of the murky insides of our brains.  So many times when I have been venting I have had family members message me to ask if I am ok or do they need to worry about me. Usually by the time I have finished my post I have worked out whatever my issue is, I just needed to lay it down in order to understand it and then draw a line under it. So as well meaning as people are, because it is nice to know people care, it’s hard having to justify yourself.

I thought coming here to write would be the answer to the conundrum, I could be anonymous again and not have to worry about either confusing or offending anyone within my immediate circle of either family or friends. I have long since stopped caring about stats or views, this is a place where I will write for myself regardless. What I do miss though are my WordPress family, I miss their interaction and their virtual hugs. I miss their wit and sarcasm, humour and honestly. But how would they view me if they were to also read this blog, which can sometimes be a polar opposite of the other. Again with the worry, why?

I came here to be free, but still the words do not come.

What is it I find so difficult about delving into my past, is there something I need to unlock to retrieve the memories in order for me to write about them? Why can I not just write without restraint and worry, because I have seen others who do, and the results are magical.

Perhaps one day I will be free and then perhaps what I write will be magical too.

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11 thoughts on “When words won’t come

  1. Girl, I totally feel you on this. I think all writers go through this. I’m just like you- it takes me forever to transfer my thoughts to a screen or a sheet of paper. I think it’s honestly because we have no idea what’s going to come out and that can be frightening- for us and lurking family and friends. Honestly though, if it’s what you’re passionate about, if it helps you make sense of this crazy world, it’s a gift from God and He wants you to use it. Maybe, give a disclaimer to your family and friends not to take offense or worry when they read your blog. But don’t hold yourself back, don’t limit yourself. You’ve so much to give through your writing, so give it 🙂

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  2. I have made an anonymous blog for the same reason!! If someone I know reads my blog they won’t even know who is this ahaha

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  3. Again, so relatable! We live in a society where once we’re perceived in a way by others it’s locked in and once we show another side of us people get shocked! Like, the heck, we are complex beings with complex thoughts and emotions, we can’t stay the same forever! Change is the only constant and we need to move with it. I think it’s awesome that you share a piece of your mind here and what you write is already magical because looking through the comments I can see it touched a bunch of people, myself included! Share more! *-*

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  4. I think what you’re feeling can be summed up as “growing pains” – it’s the desperate ache and need to share, but your deepest fears, your traumas, your rage, anger, or whatever intense emotions you feel scare you – which is what partly stops you – and that’s normal – most people who are creative expressives feel this. Throw in “performance anxiety” and what will people think if they knew the “real me” …. well, yup, we shouldn’t care, but we do – because we don’t want to feel rejected – and yes, at the core, that’s really it for most people, although we paint it in other terms, like “I don’t want others to worry etc.” …. and that may be true – but bottom line? Everyone feels intense feelings, and those of us who feel with, hmmm …. perhaps more sensitivity or “too much” can feel overwhelmed, so when we don’t have a “safe” venue or means of “sharing” then it can become internalized and very explosive, or at least it feels this way – and sometimes ends up like this: an outburst.

    So yes, you stop and self-censor yourself …. and you get tied up in all kinds of thoughts – which doesn’t help the situation or yourself, at all. But you’re not alone in feeling this.

    And let’s be honest – everyone feels all kinds of things – and we’re more than just the sum of a complex set of emotions, which change and shift, and so it’s okay – it’s just damn well okay to let yourself feel and be all of who you are – and if you find that you want to show but then “jam yourself up?” try some free writing stream of consciousness – where you just start with a word and let your mind wander and go – eventually, you’ll come to words that will write themselves out – and no one needs to see it – if you don’t want them to – it may at the very least – allow you the means to just get it out of your head and system, which is what you need then, and then maybe, you’ll be able to sit back – and think on something else, or pick and choose the bits you need to then “create a post” – because part of what trips you up, and me and probably tons of others, is that we’re pressuring ourselves on top of it all to “create” the magic – but you know – as others have said – you ALREADY are magic – and magic JUST IS 🙂

    Lots of hugs ((((((((((Maddie)))))))))

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      • never say never …. LOL …. yeah, that’s the thing, we never can know for sure …. but I know what you mean – and it’s okay ….. “self censors” need to be tackled one damn moment/problem/reason at a time …. so hey, if at the very least, you’re beginning to “find your groove” and maybe even feel your way to a few new ways ….. then this is what counts …. 🙂

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