It’s been a pretty up and down three months. Looking back I am amazed that I have made it out the other side relatively unscathed. Sure I have war wounds and I have to learn to adjust and carry on with my life, but things could be worse.
I’ve been trying to be pretty upbeat while dealing with my anxiety issues. Since the turn of the New Year I have given up cigarettes, completed a course of counselling and more importantly given up chocolate….that was by far the hardest bit.
I went back to work two weeks after my Mother passed away. In hindsight it probably wasn’t a good idea, but it wasn’t until after Christmas when everything started to slow down and normalize that things started to sink in. Now I am finding work difficult.
I cannot fault my bosses, they have been amazing, through the whole time my Mother was ill and after her passing. They have been understanding of my situation and given me both space and time to adjust.The problem is not them, it’s mainly me and perhaps a few other people within my work circle. My confidence or lack of is my single biggest downfall, and always has been. I’m never going to be the kind of person who enters a room, throws my arms in the air and announces my arrival.
In a working environment there are always going to be differing personalities. I’m not very good at putting my point across and even when I feel I am in the right I will back down when confronted. I know it happens and yet I still allow it to make me miserable instead of just shrugging my shoulders and notching it down to experience.
I’ve decided that from now on I need to do one of two things, I either just acknowledge it happens, that I don’t have the balls to deal with it and get on with my life or I give myself a good talking to and learn to confront my demons. I don’t need to be forceful, I just need to be strong. I need to learn to stand up for myself.
Sometimes being a work in progress sucks!